Sometimes I look back on the relationships that almost were. The boys I liked, and the boy who liked me. Sometimes the boys who liked me at the same time that I liked them, and I think, did I pass up on something grand? 

If I had flirted, maybe just a little. (I am completely inept at flirting. A cute guy flirts with me at Walmart and I just smile and say “Have a nice day!” when I leave.) Maybe if I hadn’t had that life-shattering period of brokenness when God opened my heart to His desire to have a personal relationship with me?

Wait a second, why would I rather pass up on a crucial event in my life that has lead to a more meaningful prayer life, a more vibrant devotional life, and opportunities to teach and counsel others just so I could have a boyfriend? What is wrong here? Have I failed to realize the permanent blessings of spiritual devotion in comparison to temporary flawed human relationships? 

So what if all my friends are getting engaged/ married/ having babies! So what if I get to see them achieve my life-long dreams before I do! Is my life somehow less of a testimony to God’s goodness? Look at where I am! Look at what God has done! One heartbreak at the hands of a boy, flourishing ministry, strong female friendships, a sense of God’s peace in life choices! The list goes on! Who would want to pass all that up?

I feel so lonely. I am surrounded by a crushing cloud of suffocating solitude. it is all that I feel. 

Hello Tumblr! It has been a long while since I have been here. I have fallen in love with Pinterest and I am completely and unabashedly addicted to it! I have been spending nearly all the time I used to scroll and blog here, looking at recipes, crafts, and workouts on the “other” website. 

But that is not all I have been doing. I have had some time to think.

I do not have a good relationship with my dad, that is, my human dad. Instead of having a person to run to and confide in, I feel I have someone to hide my true self from. My relationship with him has gone from safe, warm, and happy, to stinging, fake, and crushing. 

I love my job. I love sharing my faith in Jesus Christ with teens and helping them grow in their personal relationship with Him. I love being challenged to go deeper in my relationship, and being a role model absolutely does that for me. I have big dreams of having my own office in a ministry center I hope to open with my mom and doing nothing all day but researching student culture, Bible study, and talking with teens. My job might not pay in dollars and cents, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

My mom and my sister are my best friends. They know my deepest secrets and they still love me. We tease each other, encourage each other, confront each other, and hold each other up. I would not be able to do half the things I do or be half the woman I am if it were not for them.

I am single. I have never been someone’s girlfriend. I have never felt pressured to be in a relationship with someone as a way to find happiness or validation. I want to get married one day and I will often think about the kind of guy I will marry and what we will do together. But right now, I am very much single. I am thankful for my current station in life because I know deep down that I am selfish and unprepared to be someone’s wife. I don’t have forgiving or realistic expectations for my future husband. I recognize that I have a rebelious side that would kill any man’s affections for me. Until I manage to cut that out of myself, I am unwilling to put any man through the kind I torture I am sure I would bring him. 

I am planning on being crazy. I want to do things people won’t expect. Everyone knows me as the happy, friendly, church-y, dramatic, structured, hard worker. I don’t mind that they think that. I just want to do something unexpected.

I want to grow up. I want to keep a childish enthusiasm in my heart. I want adventure.

I need a friend. I don’t have anyone where I’m living to go hang out with and talk and offer each other a fresh perspective on things. My mom, sister, and I all have similar outlooks, so it would be nice to have a new pair of eyes to observe life with me. 

I don’t write nearly as often as I should.

It took me months to settle on the right one. when i saw it, it was like, BAM! here’s The One! & now it is gone.

i still feel like dying.